What happened to the Magic?

So we've just come off one of the biggest holidays of the year.  People are in debt from buying toys and goodies that were laced around the tree.  Kids are playing and using games,toys and new technology and parents are trying to figure out how to pay it all off. And I'm thinking about all the holiday movies that trumpet magic and "believing" and being a scrooge or solemn messages that guilt you into celebrating the true meaning of Christmas.

When I was a little girl I whole hardheartedly believed that Santa Claus brought me every gift I got on Christmas morning, most of them extravagant and unneeded but pure happiness for me because I was the one receiving the gifts. I looked at Christmas with whimsy and excitement and selfishness because while we were supposed to be celebrating baby Jesus birth, I was going to get a lot of gifts because of him.  I remember when I started finding out that Santa might not be real.  I was afraid that I would no longer get any presents and so I pretended to believe several years after I heard my Dad walking around in the living room shaking jingle bells and then coming to our bedroom door and telling us "Santa" had just come.  It never occurred to me until later that some people have a lot of difficulty with telling their children they would not be getting anything for Christmas.  And when I got married my husband and I started feeling guilty about telling our kids there was a Santa.  We felt as though we were boldly lying to our children and encouraging them to believe in something that wasn't real.

Oh, I know, some of you will say, "Aw, it doesn't hurt them to tell little lies like that.  Kids need something to believe in and there is nothing wrong with make believe."  But it didn't stop us from feeling guilty every time we told them to behave because Santa was coming.  Some where along the way we decided to let our kids know that there really wasn't a Santa Claus and that if you got something for Christmas it was either because someone else gave it to you or your parents went out and bought it...and if they didn't have much money you probably weren't going to get the things you had dreamed of.
I have always loved my imagination and I could create the best of a fantasy in my mind, but I could not come up with a creative way to tell our children that there was no Santa the year we were in Seminary.  We barely had enough money to get back and forth to work.  We had people from our church sending us donations of food and money on a monthly basis but we never really knew what we were going to have.  There was nothing extra and we certainly had to be careful when it came to holidays.
I remember with great sadness sitting our three children down ranging in age from 6, 9 and 10.  There were a few gifts under a scrawny tree in paper bags with stocking drawn on them.  I did not see anyway they would get anything else for Christmas so through my tears I painfully told them that Santa would not be coming that year.  That we were Santa and we did not have any money to buy gifts that year.
Our two daughters seemed to accept it pretty well, but poor little Benjamin was devastated.  I could see the fire of defiance and denial in his eyes as tears rolled down them.  I could feel the daggers of hatred for the place we were in and the reality of having to do without.  I sensed his resentment towards us and the place we had found ourselves in.

So, many years have passed and my children have grown up and they have children of their own.  Some are telling their kids there is a Santa and some are adamantly opposed to it.
I was relating a story to someone this year about my childhood and some of my memories about how I looked forward to Christmas.  We were standing my my son and daughter in laws kitchen and Benjamin came passed me as I was relating the story.  He had not heard me explain that it was my experience and said"That isn't how I remember it, at all"  And I still felt the sadness of the day I told them.
Now I don't want to leave you thinking that the story didn't have a happy ending.  Our children ended up getting a very nice Christmas that year and actually got more gifts than we would have ever given them.  Our church had taken on our family as their "mission" that year unbeknown to us, and so all of us got things we really wanted.  The church we were attended in the seminary community knew of our situation too, so that year another church gave us food, clothing and gifts as well.  So there was some magic and whimsy.
But I can't help but wonder how that experience affected my children inside?  I still feel badly about it, I still wish I could take the pain away, I still want to help them work through the issues that all of us have to deal with after we grow up and leave home.
Sometimes I really dislike reality.  I don't like feeling like I'm not going to be taken care of.  I never wanted my children to hurt and experience difficult things.  I wish I could have magically snapped my fingers and made our life easier.  Each one of my children experienced it differently. One said she saw the faithfulness of God in our lives and has been thankful ever since for that experience.
I would have liked to pull my son aside and discussed the comment he made.  I'm sure there will be a time in the future to do that.  I realize I can not ease the pain that my children have experienced but I can validate their feelings and empathize with them.

Some day we will all look back at the things in our lives we didn't understand when we were going through them and understand.  Time and age has a way of doing that for us.  There is still magic and whimsy even though sometimes "we see through a glass darkly" but  it will come to pass that we will see things as they really are.

Holidays

I know that he holidays are difficult for many people.  They remember all the bad stuff that happened to them during that time...but for me it was a time of wonder and magic and sparkling lights all over the countryside!  I still love to go riding around in the car to see the lighting displays...and it seems like no matter what your beliefs you can appreciate the sparkle and glitz singing out into the night...especially when the sky is clear and the temperatures are cold.




For as long as I can remember, Christmas was my favorite time of the year.  I think it was because for the most part people seemed to become a little more caring and giving during this time of the year.  When you come to think on it, I think it's a wonderful tradition for Americans to check in with themselves right before Christmas to remember all the blessings they have and the things they are thankful for.  Then Christmas is ushered in as the season of giving all because God was willing to Give his son for us to live...forever.

I have begun to see Christmas in a different light lately.  I know there is all the push to spend money so our economy is boosted and we can feel good about giving gifts that we really haven't thought very much about, but there is that whole idea of giving to others even if we ourselves are in need.
I have always loved to decorate for Christmas.  I loved the colored lights and the sparkling ornaments...and for a while I went through a stage where we could only use white lights.  I also went through a stage where everything had to be primitive and look old.  I guess it's all in what going on with the times and the places you live in.  I have also gone through some years where I dreaded the Christmas season because I worked in retail and we started decorating in October and then had to take it all down before February.  At times I was decorating 12 trees at a time, each with a different theme and the rooms they were in had to have that theme as well.  The end result was beautiful and festive and wowed the customers enough that they would literally buy the ornaments and decorations off the trees or even buy the entire tree...garland, lights, ornaments and all...cost didn't matter.  By the time I got around to decorating at my house my excitement waned and my decorations seemed blase.

Well, I'm starting to come back, and enjoy the season in a whole different way.  It's funny what stripping yourself of everything that was familiar to you, changing your scenery and moving to a different place can do to you.
I don't feel like I have to decorate for everyone else.  I do it for me, when I feel like it.  If it takes me 4 weeks and it's 2 days before Christmas...that's just OK.  If I don't feel like doing something or don't like the way something looks I can change it... not do it ...or think about it until it goes away.

This week in school we were talking about holiday traditions that we do at our house.  We were encouraged to make a glogster..(.it's sort of a blog with pictures and effects.)  So, I have been working on one for us.  I realized that we do have some traditions that I really didn't realize we're traditions.  We always have steamed shrimp for Christmas dinner...even if we aren't all together and we by chance get to see each other a bit at a time we still have steamed shrimp sometime during the holidays.  I love to put on the Christmas music while I'm decorating and if I'm baking cookies and goodies.  I decorate the house, the tree, and anything that has to do with Christmas, and my husband watches.  He fixes things, does the wash and occasionally will put out red and green dish towels or sprinkle red and green sugar sprinkles on my cookies.  It seems like we always have some kind of remodeling project going on during the holidays or some kind of life changing event getting ready to happen or just coming about.  We like to travel during this time, but if we don't some or all of our family makes it a point to get together. I get in the mood to create.  Jewelry, wall hangings and little things that I can give. And usually crank out some unusual things during that time.We like to see our dear friends from different places we've lived.

Even if it is not exactly around Christmas we try to get together and break bread...the fun and fellowship is always rich.  I love to get Christmas cards and I love to hear from everyone, but we don't always get to writing a Christmas letter, take a picture of ourselves or even buy cards now.  E-mail and FB has helped us stay in touch with many of our friends that we would have otherwise lost track of.  Any way, the holidays are fun and festive for me...even without a lot of shopping or gift giving.  It stirs up fun times with family and friends and it makes memories that keep me going for the rest of the year.

Redirecting

Any of you that have a GPS or Tom Tom or Navigation system hear the audible prompt "Redirecting" or "Recalculating" when you decide not to take the route they are telling you to go and head out in your own direction.  Often it's because you have gone that way before and know there are alternatives that are easier...or at the least more familiar.

Well, I feel like we have been on a trek of Redirection for over 2 years now...maybe longer.  What we thought we were going to be doing when we relocated to PA from OH and what we are doing now was totally off our Radar screen.  I could have never told you I'd be working in a high school and loving it.  I could have never thought that I'd be working and my husband would be unemployed.
Redirection has set some things in motion that I really don't think will be understood until we are on the other side of it.  And isn't that often how changes and difficulties pan out in our lives?

During this time of the year I think of the many people who have shaped my life and made a difference for me.  I look forward to the holidays to get back together with family and friends that make my life worth living.  I was reminiscing tonight with my husband about the many people we used to spend time with in a therapy group who were genuinely interested in what was going on in our lives and we in theirs.  We could get into the meat of the life stuff we were each going through and we connected on a level that made our friendships very rich.  I also think about a wonderful wild woman who called me a genius and hired me to work in her store believing that everything I did was wonderful!  Even if it wasn't true what a neat way to be affirmed!

There are also friends that we have known for many years that when we get back together it's like we were never apart.  We can enjoy sitting over a meal together or connecting some obscure place when we are running through town and we feel like we've been given the gift of life giving oxygen from an air starved emphysema patient.
Then there are those God moments when something unexpected happens and you marvel after wards that the Holy Spirit was right there with you in the most unusual way.
The other day that happened to me.  I responded to someone's e-mail to let them know that I got their message but that I could not respond to the request that they had made.  Out of that a dialogue came that was very significant for me and touched my heart in a way that melted some of the walls and barriers I've been trying to hold up since, my husband lost his job.

This person was sensitive and actually asked me "How are YOU doing?"  It caught me so off guard.  I guess I really had not asked even myself that question.
I've learned that you can work with people for a long time and really not know who they are or have any idea what is going on in their lives.  I've learned that some of the students I have contact with everyday may be a lifeline for me or a lifeline for them.  I've learned that sometimes in the most unusual ways, God Shows Up.
And that brings me to the thought that God could actually show up in the Holy Spirit as a Woman, a kid or something no one would expect.  Didn't we read about the rocks crying out and donkey's speaking in the Bible?
One of the ways I see God "Redirecting" my life is getting to know my sister and loving every minute of it.   Some of you know that I lost my oldest sister to a car accident when I was 19.  That set in motion a long process of grieving and loss of relationship with the other members of my family.
I lost my younger sister so to speak..maybe because of all they sadness we shared or maybe we both had to set out in different directions in order to survive.  I am so happy that we are finally able to get together and connect in a way that we didn't when we were younger.  I admire and respect her beyond imagination.  I think she's one of the smartest people I know.  And we really have fun together in the few times we are able to get together.

Another way of "Redirection" is,I have learned to embrace my mother and we have come closer together.  There was a time in my life we used to war against each other about everything, but I determined , after some therapy,that I did not want to be angry with her for the rest of my life and I needed to take responsibility for  my responses and reactions to the problems we were having.  I'm now able to spend time with her and we can enjoy each other without the expectation that we should be doing or being something that we are not.

Although sometimes, I get really scared, I think I've had a relationship long enough with God to know that there is something up that sleeve of His.  I don't think my husband will be discarded and we will end up destitute and alone.  God knows exactly what is up...and he is waiting just for the right time.

So redirection may end up being totally different than anything we ever imagined but I stand on the promises that I know to be sound and true.  The GPS system is the ultimate point of direction. 

 Even IF we veer off the calculated path for a while...we will eventually end up HOME!